The surprise announcement will undoubtedly be a boost for the fledgling Ivy League sports network, which, as of yesterday had 32 subscribers nationwide.
Initial reports that the current Ivy League members would now provide athletic scholarships to keep up with the rest of Division I proved to be false. In fact, one of the points of negotiation that Texas pushed for, and the current Ivy League schools agreed to, was that not only will the original eight conference schools continue not providing athletic scholarships, but that all of their players must wear thick, plastic rim glasses during games. A Texas spokesman said, "It will help brand the conference that lots of these guys are real smarty-pants types, plus it will look really funny."
A key to the sudden decision was a suggestion from former Presidents George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush. A Bush spokesman said, "For years, people didn't know if the Bushes were snooty East coast guys carrying around tennis racquets with sweaters around their necks, or oil drillin' Texans with cowboy boots on. Now, with the addition of Texas schools to the Ivy League, it will be easier for them to be identified as Good Ol' Ivy League Boys!" Due to the role of the ex-Presidents, the schools that serve as homes to their museums, Texas A&M and SMU will also join the Ivy League. Fed Ex also "contributed" $100 million dollars so that the University of Memphis will be the twelfth Ivy League school. Speculation on whether the conference would now be known as the Fed Ex Ivy League could not be confirmed.
Immediately, speculation began as to which two Ivy league schools will join the new members' division. Cornell proposed North and South divisions, whereas Princeton proposed East and West dichotomies. Penn simply wept.
The sudden decision by Texas threw a wrench into negotiations that the ten-team Big XII would switch names with the now twelve team Big Ten. Now, solutions like Big Ten Plus, Big Tent, and a proposal to stop teaching Roman numerals in schools will be reconsidered.
