Buoyed by the favorable ruling for the NFL owners in their lock-out of players, a plan has been pushed forward among NCAA athletic directors to lock out athletes receiving scholarships playing for teams categorized as "non-revenue" sports when students return this fall. Therefore, all athletes in sports other than football and men's basketball will not be given access to dormitories, training facilities, or any other campus buildings. Citing sky-rocketing coaches salaries and travel expenses in the revenue sports, plus the flood of early entrants to the pros, universities are demanding non-revenue athletes cut their costs.
"This is getting ridiculous," a Big Ten athletic director said while asking for anonymity, "We just need some balance. Star football players need to sell their memorabilia just to get some decent body art, while Joe Archery is getting three squares a day, and all the bows and arrows he needs. He'll learn why our best revenue athletes need 'street cred' when he returns to campus and has to sleep on the sidewalk, and when he pays for, or hunts, his own food. We will see the extent of his true 'love of the game.' Literally!"
One of the proposals for these non-revenue athletes is that they pay for their own uniforms and equipment, plus find their own rides to competitions held off campus. "Do you know how many baseballs we go through in a year? Ridiculous, these guys could pony up for some balls and bats," the AD commented, "And every time they decide to slide into a base, the cleaning bill takes an extra cafeteria ice cream novelty from a hungry running back. The selfishness!"
"And what have these kids been doing since they were young? Finding a ride to their games or practice! Why do we need to find a bus or comfortable vans for these 'voting age adult' players now? Four dollar gas in a bus, give me a break! Come on non-rev athlete, ask a buddy, ride a bike. Heck, I would walk miles to Little League practice because I never learned to ride a two wheeler," another AD chimed in.
Players are also being asked to attend class less, at a rate comparable to the revenue sports. "The non-revenue student-athletes, bless their hearts, attend every class," an unnamed ACC president said, "But these students take away desks and lab bench stools from non-scholarship students who would like to matriculate here and fund our university to the tune of several thousand dollars a year. We need the non-revenue athlete to chip in like their football brethren, and only attend class sporadically, if at all. What has some soccer player on a full ride, for a sport that only one student name Wolfgang is interested in, done to deserve such an academic windfall?"
Athletic directors also think they can stem the tide of football and men's basketball players leaving early for the professional ranks if they provide some non-economic benefits for the revenue players. "Some of these 'one and done' basketball players, they'd like to stay in college, but the appeal of the NBA lifestyle can't currently be matched by NCAA institutions," a prominent Big East coach stated. So one NCAA proposal is that the non-revenue athletes will serve as butlers for the revenue generating athletes. "Why should we be spending time and money for some cross country runner to practice, when they could be running around picking up dry cleaning for a star point guard, getting a better workout in the meantime?" the coach opined. The coach gave an example that for the past two seasons, mid-major school Butler made the NCAA championship game. "That can't be a coincidence, that a school that trains butlers has such a solid, well rested team!" the coach added, "Each Butler player probably has about 100 kids named Jeeves assisting his every whim. What, they don't train butlers there? Then why are they called Butler University, I am pretty sure they do."
Non-revenue athletes, particularly the golfers, have asked their parents, many of whom are attorneys, to help fight the new proposals. But it may be an uphill battle. "Frankly, I am not sure anyone will notice we are not playing," one tennis player lamented, "I have a feeling my days will be spent shining shoes and cleaning up pizza boxes for one of the eight quarterbacks on scholarship."
